I’m Scared to Go Home.

I’m scared to go home.  

I’m scared that I will lose of God in my attempt to reach for all the comforts of America that my flesh has been so loudly longing for for months. 

I’m scared that I won’t be able to express how God has met me in the past nine months to friends, family, and strangers. That in my failed attempts to describe the hand of God in my life, people will miss the point of missions.

I’m scared that people won’t care. 

I’m scared that during the rough parts of the mission field I have over-glamorized “home” in my head, so that when I actually arrive I will be shocked at how hard home actually can be. 

I’m scared that I will be misunderstood.

I’m scared that culture shock will hit me in ways that I can’t make sense of. 

I’m scared to leave the people who know me deeper than most people have ever known me in my entire life without knowing if or when I will ever see them again. 

I’m scared that I will lose my fire for God by settling for the standards of America. 

I’m scared that in my unrestricted access to internet, I will choose distractions over spending time with my Father. 

When I imaged myself going on the World race one day, I never even considered that going home might be hard. Yet as the cloud of reality settles over the fact that I have three weeks left before a plane flies me back to the place where my feet started all along, I get nervous at what I might find. That maybe when the light hits the places I once deemed familiar, I will find that I don’t recognise them anymore. Or maybe I will find that they haven’t changed at all. I don’t know which is scarier. 

But in the mysteries of the unknown, I know that there is one thing that will never change. That as I am being shaped and molded by the Potter, He, Himself remains the same. And that’s beautiful. 

So as I just listed the fears that have made a way to my thoughts, I wanted to share the truth behind them that has been established before the lies even existed. We can be scared, but we also choose where we put our fears, and I want to continually choose to leave mine covered in the words of the One who never has changed. Even if that means daily bringing them to the foot of the cross. 

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I’m scared to go home.  

Your home is not a place; your home is at the foot of my cross. Wherever my love abounds, there you are home. Wherever my truth reigns through the body of Christ, there you are home. Just as the Holy Spirit is home abiding in you, you are home abiding in my Spirit. Through new life in me you have become an exile to this world. Not because I condemn the world, but because I condemn the things of this world. Your citizenship remains in the heavens, and there your hope can also be established. Your not going home, you are already home my daughter. 

“Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God’s people and also member of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lived by his Spirit” (Ephesians 2:19-22). 

I’m scared that I will lose of God in my attempt to reach for all the comforts of America that my flesh has been so loudly longing for for months. 

In the stripping of every comfort you once had, I gave you the perspective to understand that none of those things satisfied anyways. That will not be in vain. Even in your failure to reach for me, I will be faithful. Your heart is designed to be fully satisfied in me alone. Apart from me, nothing matters.

“I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you” (Psalm 63:3-5). 

I’m scared that I won’t be able to express how God has met me in the past nine months to friends, family, and strangers. That in my failed attempts to describe the hand of God in my life, people will miss the point of missions.

You are not responsible for defending my ways, I am my own defender. I want to give you the right words to say, even if they sound wrong or inelegant. Why are you putting the weight of the way other people view me on yourself? You cannot change anyone, only I can do that; and you are my vessel, I want to do good works through you. My yoke is light. 

“‘King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from your majesties hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, your majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up” (Daniel 3:16-18). 

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of Truth” (John 14:16). 

I’m scared that people won’t care. 

You did not say “yes” to the World Race so that other people would care. You said “yes” because you care for me and my children. Not everyone will care, but what I did in and through you in the last nine months does not matter less if someone else doesn’t care to see it. Instead, care about those who don’t try and understand. Be quick to listen, slow to speak. Love those who don’t care because you carry a love that can.

“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs” (Proverbs 10:12).

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily-angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). 

I’m scared that during the rough parts of the mission field I have over-glamorized “home” in my head, so that when I actually arrive I will be shocked at how hard home actually can be. 

Just as you over-glamorized the mission field, the actuality of it became my refining tool. The things you didn’t expect were what I used to bring you back into my arms; suffering became the path to truth. So even as home misses the mark on your expectations, you can expect that even I will use that for good. “Good” as in stewarding your soul to find the joy in me that is was always meant to have. In all things, my glory will not go unseen if you chose to seek it. 

“’The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’ In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing” (Job 1:21-22). 

“Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is his church” (Colossians 1:24). 

I’m scared that I will be misunderstood.

Abandon your right to be fully understood by others. There are times where you have misunderstood me. When you heart is presented in submission towards me, only then can you receive the compassion I want to give you for the ones who misunderstand who you are. Love is patient, not defensive. Remember the ways I was misjudged and misunderstood, even as I put on flesh and lived a pure life of sacrifice and love. Do not let the opinions and perspectives of others delay your heart in fulfilling the mission I have laid out for you. My presence is your strength and I call you forward. 

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself, not looking for you down interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Jesus Christ:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used for His own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness. And being found in the appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” (Philippians 2:3-8). 

I’m scared that culture shock will hit me in ways that I can’t make sense of. 

Even as you seek the mysteries of my love, you will seek me in the mysteries in the things that don’t make sense. And I will meet you there. 

“When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you set into place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” (Psalm 8:3-4)

“And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even out faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus in the Son of God” (1 John 5:3-5). 

I’m scared to leave the people who know me deeper than most people have ever known me in my entire life without knowing if or when I will ever see them again. 

Even when the light dims on all other hope to be reunited on this earth, heaven remains. Real goodbyes don’t exist in the kingdom of God. You can trust that those who need to be in certain seasons of your life, will be there. 

“There is a time for everything, and a seas for every activity under heaven…” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). 

“Do not let you hearts be troubled, You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I of and prepare a place of you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going” (John 14:1-4). 

I’m scared that I will lose my fire for God by settling for the standards of America. 

Your circumstances don’t dictate the fire inside of you if what you’re feeding your fire is my word, my truth, my spirit, my love, my goodness. 

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me” (John 15:1-4).

I’m scared that in my unrestricted access to internet, I will choose distractions over spending time with the Father. 

In life, there will always be something to choose instead of me. Some seasons there will be more choices than other seasons, but in them all you get to choose if you want me to be sitting on the throne of your worship room. Make this moment, this season, a worship room with no other distractions. If you don’t choose to carry your cross today, what makes you think tomorrow is going to be an easier choice? 

“You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3).

“Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 10:38-39).