I’m going to take a minute to stop glorifying missions. All of my missed expectations for what the out-of-country mission field looks like came from social media, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
It’s month eight and I’m tired. The feeling of home sickness can’t be found in a caption or a blog. I probably haven’t showered in 5 days because really cold, community showers are not the most fun. I own maybe three shirts at this point, and last week one of them moulded because it was so humid outside. The phrase “living in community” for me entails sharing a room with 19 other girls, and that means giving up a lot more than I thought. Ministry most the time is something I’ve never done before or something I am not totally in love with. Lately, I have been watching other squads do my dream ministry while I am handed another hammer and nails and told to learn a lyrical dance. The frustration and comparison is so beyond real. Even ministry in general in a “covid conscious” world is so much less relational than I wanted or pictured, so I have to lay that expectation down. Sometimes daily. Reaching out to people from home is hard to navigate. And I am constantly trying to figure out what it means to be labeled as a “white missionary” in the country where colonialism and white saviourism started.
Yet God is still so dang beyond good. Love is not God making our lives easier; love is God giving us more of Himself.
Meaning that the lack of comfort, longing, physical tiredness, and frustration has brought me closer to The Comforter and The Provider and The Peace Giver and The Great Shepherd than I have ever been before. We can only receive more when our hands become empty again. Even if the taking away hurts. And it’s only when we pick up our cross in the hardest of circumstances that we find the emptiness and the worthlessness of everything else we were once seeking apart from God.
So these unchosen circumstances in what I pictured as the “dreamy” mission field have actually become the means to die daily for Jesus’ glory. They have become the means to treasuring Him above all else. Some days it’s harder than others. A lot of days I have failed. And everyday it wouldn’t be worth it if I was doing it for my own glory.
The cost or love is high, but at the end of the day we find that it has never been more than God has already paid for us.
“I consider these present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18).
“Jesus said to His disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it'” (Matthew 16:24).
“And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27).
“Yet for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered” (Psalm 44:22).
I love seeing your posts and I am so proud of you and you have accomplished. You are sharing your love of God with the world and are inspiring others to do the same. Can’t wait to hear so many stories when you come home.
Kenzi,
Your authenticity is so refreshing! Thank you so much for showing those of us back home what it means to be faithful even when things don’t match your mental picture. Such a strong lesson for all of us.
Your honest perspective is indeed a “refreshing” change to the glorification of mission work. There is so much to respectfully navigate that you had no control over (cultural & political history/Colonialism/ white saviourism, your own skin color, Covid, the list is endless). Missions are difficult in endless ways and for endless reasons for both the missionary and the people served. God is GOOD. What we need does not often come in neat and perfect packages, but rather fills us with what we need to nourish and sustain us. ( like mamas mama’s cooking ;0) ) I believe God did not only bring you to the people you serve but, that He brought them to you. Your relationship with people is by nature a reciprocal one in one way or another. You cannot touch someone’s heart without yours being touched. You cannot serve without being transformed. You cannot teach without learning. The circumstances in which this occurs is often not easy nor is it the glorified version that social media portrays it to be. It is more often filled with suffering and clothed with humanity’s discomforts. God’s deep and beautiful love is seen through a humble heart like yours. Keep your heart focused on He who nourishes and sustains you. I continue to grow through your blogs. Thank you my sweet girl!
A needed reminder of the sacrifices God made to save us by his son dying on the cross. God never intended that Jesus’s life would be easy as a missionary. Endless travel and self sacrifice is required. It’s all about the journey with the destination being spending time with Jesus in heaven. To hear him utter the words “thank you”. We love you so much! Embrace it all as each day is a unique opportunity to love God by loving others.
beyond good. so beyond good.
i believe in you. i believe in what God is doing through you.
i love being your friend.